I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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