we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
COCAINE IS GR8
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
