I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
