You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
