whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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