And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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