I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
