I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
