I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
