last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Pooping to opera.
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