I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
