so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
