omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he fucked my hip out of place.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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