so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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