YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
