I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
