There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
