I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize