Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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