I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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