I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
