My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
