I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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