Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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