The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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