I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
