i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
