I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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