took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize