I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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