Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize