I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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