i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
