If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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