she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
