i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
