Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
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