That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
