I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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