we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
