I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
