I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
