You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
