we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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