my phone needs a breathalizer
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
