who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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