If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
