Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
