What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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