I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
