i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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