Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
