I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
