Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Randomize
