I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
