My liver just broke up with me...
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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