What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
