fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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