the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
