I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize