So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
