Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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