wake up i wanna do it froggy style
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
